We won't sleep together?
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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