I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
