so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Randomize
