Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
