i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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