yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
