is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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