onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize
