I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Randomize
