yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
