I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
