Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I cut my penus on the lid.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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