I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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