She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
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