Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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