Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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