Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
