My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
