It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I love you. Go after that dick
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
