The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
