Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Come on in and take your pants off
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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