i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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