I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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