Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
did you just send me my own nude
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Randomize
