My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Randomize
