first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
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