How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
