Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
