so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
