I met the friendliest cop last night
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
