I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
