why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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