if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
