When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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