Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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