In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
