So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
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