My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
