it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
