And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Randomize