Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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