He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
