Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
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