I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
My liver just had a heart attack.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Randomize
