Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
