Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
