She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
