Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Randomize
