it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
