It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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